thinking

Another day of thinking...
I maybe  all mostly t-shirt, jeans, gym shoes wearing  but I still like to be treated like a lady and not some other piece of meat  nor another notch on your bed post..


Or when  someone  calls just go get a ride.... I   will  not put up  with  it much longer..
Friend  or other..


I have needs and wants..


;;;;;;;;;;-


Some  family only recognize other family  member as family MEMBERS  when they want something...
Only....


I felt as of lately By some  friends nor family  I have not been  treated as such...
I have not written in this for a while b/c I have chose not too...I really don't  know what to say now, really.. Just mostly complaining,,, Fuggit.

Vacation time =Extra thinking being done.

I really  thought  this would be an okay week.. Then  again coming  down to it .. It's  just an I don't give a shit one..
  Learned a few things... Lump   in breast was nothing..
Mom had a stroke a few weekends  ago... She also   has a lump. Doctors have bruised her..
Dad  has to be on meds  and a machine for oxygen etc;
Finding out  his  heart right now is really bad..
How  did  I find this out.. Before I get into  that..
My  sister  his help advisor/look out for him  and any info  should  be discussed with her..


Found out  dad's been keeping secrets from her too
He  thought/or said  he thought   he had a cold..
 and was coughing a lot... Too  much... Told  my  sis he is  coughing  so much  that he  was turning many shades of colors.. So,  When he went to the doctor..a regular visit my  sisters new boyfriend Frank  took him and asked the doctor...  the 411....
DR. said  a few times  his heart was  trying to stop..
My dad  had an attack then  too... and they  had to put 
electric pump  my dad's  heart a few times...
You  got to know this first.. My dad comes first  before any fucking one... Why do you  think I have been helping him, help  my  sis taking care  of her spawns??? If it wasn't  for helping  him I would  say fuck her..
a little known  about my  dad... He had to work  his whole  life  since he was a little  over 8 or 9 years  old...He did  the service.. He's been a cop,,  run a family  own  store  with his siblings.. Now retired from  both... He's a frickin Tall and huge  guy..
He may sound  or act grumpy , Ashlie  calls him grumpa... Ava  and Abby  calls  him Big Pappa--- Yea  he eats  those nicknames up.... But he has helped more  people than I can ever think  of.. A heart of gold that  one... well a weak one  now..
While I was growing up.. I always  thought he was the strong one.. The smart one.. The dad  I am grateful  to call him my dad & father.... 
He's also a stubborn  shit.
He still acts a big perverted kid at time... Last part  should tell   you  what  side of the family I get my weirdness  from...>:-)
I am worrying so much  right now.. and I know now he wants to give up so  bad.. I can see  it in his eyes... He knows  I am watching  him like a hawk..I believe i know  he's keeping stuff   from me  because he thinks I am  not the strong one,,,I think  he's 68 right now..


He tried joking about dying and he look  right away at me and knew I was gonna say something like" Don't  you  fucking joke about that... Don't you fucking  dare!!"  No, I am not the strong one... I had to turn away  with tears in my eyes.. I'll keep ya posted


Last few months   I dealt  with a lot  of animals dying  mostly  b/c of their age..


Chuckii- my guinea pig, Mufasa-- Lois  cat that I took care of... Torch Ashlie's male  rat.. Tiki Ashlies female rat.. Zuzu, my sisters border collie/chow mix...  I don't know how long we will have phoebe  or Lily... But I am taking phoebe  to the Vet soon to get her checked up... She's 13... Phoebe  , if you  didn't know  is the  dog my dad and  I  didn't  want @  first  but ended  up taking care of her and owning her... And  she knows she is loved by my dad first then me...next...
So the animals in the house now... 1 guinea pig, 2 cats, 2 fish and 2 dogs....
I have had the red raccoon  or red panda  circle  eyes  for the past few weeks...


I don't know  if I can take crying anymore..
I should'nt be this week...
On vacation.. broke...  no plans  except to get things in order....etc;
Can't think of anything  else...
Excuse my hormones talk... ty

Something I have been thinking about these past few months,

For starters, I was told by a high school friend I  used to hang out with that another  1 of  us  has been  in jail  too  for meth....http://www.nwitimes.com/news/local/lake/lowell/article_d51654c5-f1fe-56fc-8dc8-4897cb10b16b.html  or a possible meth lab etc;/// These 2 ladies , the one that told me  and the one that is in the story...  I can't believe  it  .. but  then  with Marlo... yea I can... In a way.

Speaking about friendship... I feel  like I am losing some  e-friends .. not as  close as we used to be... I don't know...If you know the saying.. I am being  ghosted out... Well  the way I feel  I am...

I don't think I have  done any wrong doing to anybody..If I have.. they are not saying...

  Some of  my friends in real life ghost me   either because  I can't relate  to  having the choice of having  children of my own  so I can't swap stories.  Some people feel like I don't know what it's  like.. Sorry other that not breast feeding/carrying  for 9 months and giving birth... I  helped raised Ashlie...  now helping with Ava and Abby with a total of  soon-to- be 24 years.. give or take a few years in between Lois moving.--My sis by the  way..

Others have ghost me because I chosen  to work on the graveyard shift... and couldn't "party" all the time  when they wanted to...

Another thing bothering me... My health...Mentally.. I am sooo not going there.. but, yea  that needs to be checked...

A  few  months back I thought  I  felt a  lump  in my left breast.. No I  didn't tell family... not  yet not until I make an appointment...  and to make sure... because on and off  it was there  then  it wasn't... Not there  now,,, But still making that  appointment..

I am beginning  to have irregular  cycles again  too... I was 2 weeks late.. So I should've had one late in the month last month  but  It  start  in the beginning of this 1... No I  didn't think I was preggo...(Sex would have to happen  with that , eh) But Now  I am  2 weeks  early{Or having  another one again)... So I have a cycle 2ce in 1 month.. oy...  And I can't  have kids... GO FIGURE.... Or  I should say  it is hard for me  to have any..... just a thin thread of a possible...

Another thing of founding out stuff.. My  sister    said  she never sent my tax  returns in...  So I have been waiting alll  this damn time...  and Nadda,.... I  wanted things to be done already and taken care  of...

No,  I  am not  gonna buy a whole bunch of  stupid  stuff..

1) file  bankruptcy

2) clothes I need... work pants.. socks.. gym shoes,,,-- desperately need.

Maybe  finally move out.

I might  do only 1 or 2 things of spending.. but trust me... not  much money into it

Other week  my guinea pig died... Chuckii... If people  knew   what she meant to me... They would understand......

My routine of coming home is not the same... Take the dogs out.. feed the cats  and g-pigs, give the dogs a treat(feeding is later)

 hour later after I eat and after  other human functions let me....

I  had Chuckii on my lap while I was on the p.c.  for  an hour or a little less if she gets antsy... Just loving her... :-( not anymore... 

Stress  level at work is not helping...

Though my  boss  tried to play a practical joke on me saying I was being written  up for something... Which  it  turned out was  just a recognition for  not calling in   for a whole  year......

 I haven't called in for  a while/// Well  last time I called in  was  having a emergency D.and C. :-(

I am not diabetic  but I show low iron.... But  my blood   will show that anyways,,,,I have the Cooleys trait... thalamassia (sp)beta(NOT the alpha) I can't take man-made iron just have my  greenies  and my steak :-), I  have good cholesteral (sp)  But I might  have high blood pressure still... {Gee I wonder if drinking my Nos caused it.}

My online best friend is hurting and I can't see  him... To be there  for him...

My family is making me insane...

I  don't  have that happy-feeling-go-lucky anymore..

My  wall has been built up with concrete and steel...

I don't care what I look like at work anymore...

As  long as I am clean.. hair brushed,, and do not smell anywhere.. I am  fine.. I am not trying to impress  anyone...

I hate my phobias,,, I am a Sagittarius I  should  be able to want to travel... Scares of  driving on expressways,,, planes  and trains... plane  and trains on catching up and knowing where to go  and get  off..  My simple mind  I would most likely  have to be told   a thousands of times and maybe a few  maps ..lol

My  dad has not been  feeling to well... All through my years I have known  him to be  the strong one in the family... The one I look up too... The one  who always  had my back and  that was there  for me...

I felt  lately  on  by  not doing a few things,,  or achieving a few things  that I was set out to do.. I have not only let myself down.. I have let him down...

Since I have a simple mind..  Not knowing or understand many "Big " words or things. I think  it only  bothered him a little..  He knows I love him... But I think .. Hell  I  dunno...

My sister "uses"  my simple mind  to an advantaged... Just because I don't know what's going on  right there and then.. Doesn't mean  I won't find out later.

Yes, Boys and girls... My  sister  is a users. as in she uses  people  for her own personal gain... I  forgot    to mention  the 2-face thing... I am not going to put   examples...Hell that's another blog all together.

Eh... That's  all the on the top of my head.. Had enough?

Phobias

Phobias is such a strange  thing to have and  also nerving.


Fear is a crazy thing.  I have plenty of... Yea it's not fun to have
Makes me feel left out on a lot of things, because it  makes me stop from either doing or seeing people..Or just to enjoy something


Some don't have  names.. Or  none I can  find one for..


Traveling:
I have a big fear of driving on expressways/freeways..(not riding if someone  else  is driving)  I always have a fear of my car breaking down, storms, accidents--bad enough to damage bodily harm...
Yea I know ... "Well use  a cell"  I am not much of a cell person and I always  have a loss of directions and what to  do in some case scene ... Traveling alone  is not fun to me neither .......
 Stops me  from going places where I want to go.. Even not as far as less  than 12 hours away... I wanted to see my online best  friend  for years...  2 hours away..... I had to end a relation ship besides of certain issues.. I felt like I was not giving my 100%  if some  one else was coming to get me...


Heck I take the regular streets that  take longer to go to  the mall  which I tried a few times taking the expressways a couple times and timed  it  and it only  took less than 15 minutes..


Mostly afraid of the turn-offs and coming on too... I hate the ones that are like a circle or  the ones I call donut exits...
My family  wonders why I am... I don't know precisely ....Maybe mostly  the exits  thing.... I have driven on a few  times.... 1st time,,,  going an hour away,,,, down poured   so bad I couldn't barely see..  If it wasn't  for someone else's tail lights...  eh..
2nd time... My whole exhaust fell  off  of my car... Hey, first time it   did  that.. it freaked me out... 
My 3rd time... I got lost for short time  and my brakes were worn down.... Next thing I knew   next day had to  get a whole new brake line.. Guess it was leaking...I was actually alone  in the car that  time... other times  someone  was  with me.. an  ex or my niece...
Last time I tried attempt  Some  one almost hit me,,


So I have tried....Knuckles are white bones sticking out when I drive..
Right  now I just don't trust the piece of shit car that I have....
Other traveling...
Never rode on a train...
Only bus I have taken was  on a school  bus
My  phobia  of flying has nothing to do with crashing... It's the time/know  which plane terminal where to get off... if i have to go to another  and so forth... Never  flown by myself either,,, last time was years ago and it was  with my mom seeing my brother in Washington(state)

I just realize something,,

Even though on vacation I Just realize  what the date is.. Today would have been my best friend since elementary  Kim's 39 birthday... She have died back in 2009 ...  I am always going to miss her..
I can't talk about her much right now because it  still hurts   so much...

Here I thought  I can  put something down about her.... I can't... Sorry.

Well

I guess I am still in  some sort of funk..
Some how I still have to friggin  come up with $299 for my filing.. To some people don't understand why  it isn't already... With creditors taking a  nice sum out of my pay check  and with the holidays came to passing. Car been acting up  and now I think my window of it might need some fixing. Oh yea insurance/ tags for it  had to pay and the usual things I need / have to buy..
 Relationship status,.. um Don't ask.
Being a frisky person   to me like the last time I has sex was  day before Halloween  and.. that might be part of a problem..
I have been  chewing people out left and right.
Haven't been feeling well
Been  waiting for prescription cards.. Well at least I got my medical  but.. not the latter..

I need  to have my thyroid  check amongst other things..
..
All  3 of my sisters spawns have been acting up Yes, I said all 3

A lot  of people, friends, co workers. I feel have been letting me down... 1 right after thee other.

I've been trying  not to take a few things too seriously,, sighs but  yea....
Yes, I missed part of me I think that its never going to come back..
I think I am just babbling r, right about now,, Tired.. Need to sleep, not making a whole lot of sense right now... I guess..

L8r

Ah work

Last night , I think I had an adrenaline  rush or something.... 10 pallets of Health and beauty care was stocked out... Oh  yea and  6 Totes filled with products...
  Oh yea, I ache now..
Was  it work?
OR...
Was it  me  getting older?

I have  a co-worker  who is lazy(JOY).. or who  makes a turtle jealous...
I asked  her since she is doing the bath products and that might end up in the grocery aisle( if  she  will take 2 friggin xoxes over with her to see if they will go out...  She  said I  should  make you just work it,,


Noted: she may  have  done  half a skid all  night long ... While.. Kaylene  and I have  worked out 4 peoples' work... note what I said how many above...

I just wanted to go up next  to her and just slap her..
I  said  fu...  to her to myself.....  eh, :P  Ended  up I didn't need them at all and they ended up being back  stock...
I had a friggin back ache all night  and  still can  win a marathon against her... Special one  or not:P


I am mad at bosses  too...
@ of them   told me forget  about asking  for days  off in December so I never ask for my days  off for my b-day  or the day before
 Found out...   my part-timer  lazy liar-man -chaser,(no naming her...{that is all  she gets from me} just  ask a few days  off  and she got it... I was like wtf???? On  MY b-day  no less..

Oh let's say this,,, Now  I have 4 weeks of vacation total  and 6 personal paid days left...... until next November.... I am taking one in January... whether  I go some place or not..... At least I am  waiting until after the holidays.

Jan, ,may  July,,,,October I am looking into  for Vacations......